some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
