Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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