i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
