Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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