I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize