i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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