All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
