He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
