But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize