True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
