Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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