I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
