I'm going to jail i love you
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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