I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
