Can i not drive my cunt home
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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