In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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