She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
