i need an iv and a liver transplant
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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