Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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