fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
