Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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