ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
