I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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