I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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