Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
