she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
