I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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