How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize