everyone is single if you try hard enough
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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