I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize