You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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