Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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