you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
