Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
