I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You pole danced in your parka.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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