Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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