i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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