I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
In America we eat man semen.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
