So many bounce houses so little time
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
