Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
