Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
