How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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