my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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