his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You may now shotgun with the bride
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize