I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
