A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
