My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
