Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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