How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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