Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
