i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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