I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
