some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
