Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
