I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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