then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
