you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and she was petting her beer can
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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